Transcript
00:00:05 Joanna Lindenbaum
I’m Joanna Lindenbaum, a coach, ritualist, and all-around transformation nerd who is obsessed with helping clients go deep to create more change and results with their clients.
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I created the Coaching Revolution podcast to share with you coaching skills, tips, and advice, as well as a deeper understanding of human behavior and of yourself.
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so that you can do even better client work and group work, grow your business organically, and know that you’re making a real difference in the world.
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This is about creating a revolution in the transformational industry so that more practitioners feel amazing about what they do and so that more of our clients experience life-changing shifts.
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Let’s get started.
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Welcome back, friends.
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This is Joanna Lindenbaum.
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I’m so glad that you’re here.
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Today we’re going to be talking about a very important distinction and skill that I believe we need as coaches.
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And it’s the difference between soothing fear
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and actually transforming fear.
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And I want to start by sharing a story about my younger daughter, Yael.
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So Yael has always been a feeler, a deep feeler.
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Her heart, that girl’s heart is like 10 times bigger than her body.
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And with all of that, she’s also a worrier.
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feelers usually are worriers as well.
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And Yael has fears.
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She fears that she’s not going to do well in school.
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She has fears about friendships and social situations.
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And she’s got fears about loved ones getting sick.
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And
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This last one, I think it’s because my mom was sick for so long and very sick at that for so many years.
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And all of those years, for as much as I really tried my best to protect my children from what was going on, I couldn’t completely do that.
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There were so many emergencies, so many dramatic moments, so many times where I had to just pick up and leave.
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and that seeped in.
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So anyway, when Yael was little and these fears would come up for her, any of these fears, my first instinct, I think the natural first instinct that most, parents or mothers would have, the very human instinct and loving instinct,
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would be to say things to her like, it’s going to be OK.
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You don’t need to be scared of that.
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I don’t think it’s going to happen, etc., etc.
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And that’s what I did for a while.
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And here’s what I noticed.
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Me saying these things, it would help.
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for a little while, maybe for an hour or a day.
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Yael would feel more settled, more secure.
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But then she’d be right back in it.
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Same fears, the same worries, but this time a little bit bigger than before, because now the fear had evidence that it needed to be reassured over and over.
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And here’s the thing.
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once I saw it, I knew exactly what was happening because I know this from my coaching work, from my client work.
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Soothing can land temporarily, but it’s not actually doing anything with or for the fear long-term.
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Soothing just distracts
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someone from their fear.
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It moves the fear slightly to the side.
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So when Yael was around eight, this was about four years ago, I saw all this and I made a decision.
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I decided that I was going to stop soothing her fear.
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And instead,
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I was gonna start supporting Yael with her fear in similar ways that I support my adult clients with their fear.
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Now, okay, this might sound harsh, a mother who doesn’t soothe, but just bear with me here for a moment because I promise I did not stop being incredibly loving and warm
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and protective.
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I for sure have still been a very soft place for Yael to land.
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All of that is in my bones.
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I can’t not do that as a mother.
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And truth be told, some soothing still does happen when she really needs it.
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But that being said, I decided that I was going to teach Yael
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at eight years old, how to lean in to her fear, how to be with it, how to meet it somatically, emotionally, mentally, and yet even spiritually.
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I decided I was going to show Yael how to make friends with fear rather than just hope that it would go away.
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And today, at age 12, she’s turned 12 about a month ago, I’ll tell you, Yale still has a lot of fears.
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You know, that’s for sure for certain, working with fear definitely doesn’t mean that the fear disappears.
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It doesn’t mean that the fear doesn’t still come up.
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It means that your relationship with the fear fundamentally changes.
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And Yael, she’s had an ongoing relationship with her fears now.
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And because of that, she knows how to meet her fears.
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She knows what to do with them when they show up.
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And I hear Yael, this little 12 year old girl, I hear her sometimes with so much love, whispering
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to herself and to her fear, whispering things like, I’ve got your back.
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I hear her lovingly whisper to her fear, I’m not going to leave you alone.
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I hear her whispering sometimes, I’m always going to love you and protect you.
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Yael is 12 years old and she already knows how not to abandon herself.
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Imagine if more adults knew how to not abandon themselves.
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It would be a completely different world that we lived in, right?
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I tell you the story because it’s the heart of what I want to talk about today.
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There is a difference, a profound, life-changing difference, and I don’t say that lightly, I really mean it, between soothing fear and actually transforming fear.
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And most of us
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even experienced, deeply caring, highly skilled practitioners, we were never really taught that difference.
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Not in the way that matters, not in a way that changes what we actually do in a client session when a client’s fear shows up.
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So that’s where we’re going today.
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Let’s dive in.
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And
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Let’s start by getting really clear on what soothing is.
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Because I want to say first, there’s nothing wrong with soothing.
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Soothing is human.
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Soothing is loving.
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When someone we care about is scared, of course we want to make them feel better.
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Of course we want to offer comfort and reassurance.
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And
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In the right moments, soothing has real value.
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Creating safety, offering warmth, helping someone come back into regulation when they’re flooded, all of that matters.
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And just for the record, I love being soothed, and I have many, many times over
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in the years with John, my husband, I’ve asked him to do nothing else but soothe me in those moments that I really need it.
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And it’s funny because he’s finally learning now after 20 years of marriage, but I will tell you at first, for the first number of years, he kind of didn’t get it because he’s so logical and
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He just wants to find me solutions.
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But there are moments where I don’t want solutions.
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I just want him to pet me and soothe me and tell me that everything’s going to be okay.
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So anyway, soothing is and can be wonderful.
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But here’s what soothing can’t do.
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Soothing can’t transform fear.
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Because
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What soothing is essentially doing, even when it’s beautifully delivered, even when it’s genuinely warm and skillful, is this.
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It’s asking the fear to step aside.
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It’s saying in one form or another, you’re not needed here, fear.
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Let’s move past you.
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And sometimes in the moment we just need that, sure.
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But the problem is
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fear doesn’t respond well most of the time to being asked to leave.
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Fear is protective.
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It’s adaptive.
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It exists because at some point, some part of our client’s system decided that it needed to watch out for them.
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Protection.
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So when you try to soothe fear,
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when you offer reassurance or quick reframe it or help someone even breathe through it and move on, the fear may go quiet for a little while, but I can near guarantee it will always come back and often louder because it didn’t ultimately get what it actually needed.
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And this is what I see over and over again with clients.
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They lead their own clients to insight.
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The insight is there.
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The reassurance was given.
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The regulation practice was done.
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The reframe landed beautifully.
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And yet, the next week, the block is still there.
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The same place where everything tightens up and nothing moves forward is still there.
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I see that a lot when students first come to me.
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And that’s because the fear wasn’t transformed.
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It was just soothed.
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So I want to
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pause here for a moment because when practitioners first come to me and they’re doing this, they’re not soothing their clients because they themselves are lazy or unskilled or don’t have wisdom or aren’t good coaches.
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No, they’re soothing because
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That’s what they were trained to do.
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Or because no one taught them that there was another way.
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Or because, and this is one I want you to really sit with.
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This might be coming up for you.
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They’re soothing because it feels risky to do anything else in the moment.
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Think about it when a client is scared.
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when they’re distressed, when they’re showing you their fear, your nervous system responds too.
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You feel the urgency.
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You feel the pull to help them feel better.
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There is a part of you that may want to fix it, resolve it, and just help move them towards safety, feeling safe.
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And when that happens, plus you don’t have a clear, reliable, practiced way to do something other than soothe, well, soothing is just what happens.
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Not because you’re not a good practitioner, but because the alternative, which is staying with the fear, leaning into it, working with it rather than around it,
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That requires a level of skill and inner capacity that most practitioners just simply were never taught.
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Now there’s also something else here that I want to name.
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Some of the approaches that most coaches and practitioners are trained in, even the good ones, even the ones rooted in real wisdom,
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They can inadvertently lead us towards soothing.
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So let me give you a few examples of this.
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Let’s take a look at nervous system regulation work.
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Nervous system regulation.
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It’s an incredible body of work, and it is essential, such good work.
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And regulation alone isn’t transformation.
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A client can get very skilled at calming their system inside of sessions, but still not raise their rates.
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still not have the hard conversations, still not follow through.
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And that’s because the fear wasn’t transformed.
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It was regulated in the moment, important, yes, but it wasn’t transformed.
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Give you another example, insight work.
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Insight work
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is also profound.
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I’m a big transformation nerd, and if you’re a transformation nerd like me, you love insight and co-creating insight with clients.
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But it’s also not enough on its own.
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A client can understand exactly why they’re afraid.
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They can connect it to childhood or whenever in their life.
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They can name the pattern.
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They can see the root clearly.
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and then still do nothing with the knowledge.
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It’s just like you have this great breakthrough and then dust.
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You write it down in your notebook and then it just gathers dust, right?
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That’s because insight happens in the mind, but fear lives in the body.
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So these approaches aren’t wrong.
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Others aren’t wrong.
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But they’re not the same as actually transforming fear.
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They’re doing a version of soothing fear, at least on their own.
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They’re doing a version of soothing fear.
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So then what does it mean to actually transform fear?
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Well, let me tell you first what it isn’t.
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It isn’t transforming fear isn’t getting rid of fear.
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I want to be really clear about this.
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The goal is never, ever, ever, ever a fear free client.
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The goal is never, ever, ever about releasing the fear.
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The goal is never about moving past fear.
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It’s certainly not about conquering it.
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Fear is not the enemy.
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Like I said earlier, fear is protection and it’s deeply intelligent and it is very human.
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So think about what I shared with Yael, my daughter.
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The fear hasn’t gone away.
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Like I said, it’s not supposed to.
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What changed was her relationship to the fear.
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She doesn’t need it to leave anymore.
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She can be with it.
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She can work with it.
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She’s become friends with it.
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That’s transformation.
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Fear transformation, the kind that creates lasting change, it involves many, many things when we’re working with clients.
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And I want to share four important pieces right now that are specifically the opposite of soothing fear, or in other words, distracting from fear.
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OK, so number one, you want to go towards the fear.
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You want to lean into the fear rather than around it.
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So this isn’t about bulldozing fear away or forcing fear away, or even gently, lovingly releasing fear.
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But this is about skillfully with care, helping your client actually turn towards the fear and be with it.
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Face what’s there.
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Number two, you wanna help your client meet the fear somatically because fear lives in the body, right?
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It’s not just a thought, it’s a felt experience.
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Real transformation of fear has to reach the body, not just the mind.
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Third thing I want you to remember so that you don’t inadvertently soothe, but instead you help transform the fear.
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Help the fear feel met by your client.
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Help the fear feel met by your client.
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So this is the opposite of bypassing or dismissing.
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You want to help the fear feel genuinely met.
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And this is a skill.
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It requires knowing how to be with a client in their fear without rushing them out of it.
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It also requires your own nervous system to be regulated enough so that you’re not subtly pulling a client towards safety before they’re ready.
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And when I say pulling them towards safety, we always want to keep our clients safe.
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But what I mean by that is that you’re not rushing to fix and you’re not rushing to soothe.
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The fourth thing I want you to remember for today is that you want to work with what the fear is protecting.
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So fear is almost never random.
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It’s almost always guarding something, an old wound, a deep belief, a part of the self that learned to stay small, etc., etc.
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Transformation happens when we can lean in, when we can work with the protective layer, and when we can work with it skillfully enough to reach what’s underneath.
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Okay, so here is what I want you to know.
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When you can do this, when you have the skills and the inner capacity to actually work with fear at this level, so much changes.
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Sessions change.
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Your clients change in ways that are real and lasting, in ways that they talk about for years.
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And when you can do this, you change.
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Because the self-doubt that comes from not knowing what to do in those hard moments with clients, the questions of, can I really do this?
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Am I really good enough?
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That starts to dissolve.
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And when that starts to dissolve, your business changes.
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Because clients who experience that level of transformation, they renew.
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They refer.
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They become advocates for your work in ways that feel both deeply earned and also profoundly fulfilling.
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So I want to say one more thing before we close, and it’s probably the most important thing.
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Your ability to work with your clients’ fear
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is directly connected to your own relationship with fear.
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If you’ve learned from me before, you know that I often say a session isn’t just an exchange of information.
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It’s an exchange between two nervous systems.
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And when your client is in fear, when they’re stuck or looping,
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or procrastinating, etc., your system responds to that.
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And even if you understand the nervous system, even if you’ve done your own work, even if you’re highly skilled, there are still places where your own fear may get activated in response to your client’s fear.
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And it might show up in subtle ways,
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a slight energetic leaning forward, a pull to offer a solution just a little bit too quickly.
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All of these are things that try to soothe, right?
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All of these are kind of things that what’s driving it in the end is your system saying, let me get the both of us out of this, right?
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And when that happens, when your system is even slightly activated by your client’s fear, the session then starts to organize around not only your client’s protection strategies, but your protection strategies as well.
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And when this happens, I always say energy follows energy.
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Your clients will feel it.
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They may not feel it consciously, but they will feel it at the level of the body, that something is off, that it is two systems trying to protect themselves.
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Which is why this work, this work of learning to work skillfully with fear, it begins with you.
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It begins with your own relationship to fear.
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your own capacity to be with discomfort without rushing towards resolution, your own practice of meeting fear rather than soothing it away.
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Because let’s be honest, when we try to soothe our clients fears,
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Yes, it comes from love and care, but it also comes from our need to feel more comfortable by making our clients more comfortable.
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So when Yael learned to say to her fear, I’m not going to leave you alone.
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I’m here for you.
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She learned that in part because of what she saw coming from me.
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Because this is how I started responding to her fear after I decided to stop soothing it.
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And your clients, they’re going to learn
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how to transform fear, what that looks like from you, not just from the techniques you use to work with the fear, those are important, but also from how you respond to their fear, from how you stay in the room with them when things get hard, from your capacity, from how you meet their fear with skill and steadiness,
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instead of urgency and reassurance.
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All of this is what I call coaching mastery and it is absolutely learnable.
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Okay, so let me leave you with this.
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As you move into your work this week, into your sessions, your groups, and your own personal life, I want you to notice one thing.
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want to invite you to notice what happens when fear shows up in your clients and in yourself.
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And I want you to ask yourself, am I soothing this or am I working with this?
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And again, not as a judgment for your awareness, right?
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Just as a beginning.
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Because if you’re soothing, which most of us were taught to do,
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There’s another level available, a level where you can be the practitioner who helps a client’s system actually reorganize, where the change is real and lasting and life altering, where your clients walk away not just feeling a little better, but feeling truly different.
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And that cannot happen from soothing.
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If you would like to go deeper into exactly how to do all of this, there’s still time to join the Befriend Your Fear method certification.
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This is where you learn to work with fear at the level that I’ve been describing today, not just conceptually, but in your sessions with real clients in your own body.
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And I’ll link to it in the show notes, and I hope that you’ll take a look.
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So I hope that you received everything that you needed to receive from our time together today.
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As always, I’d love to hear from you.
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Please write to me and let me know what touched you about this episode.
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I have a feeling for some of you, if you were parents, in addition to how this episode
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might impact your client work or your work with yourself, you may get some parenting ideas as well.
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Let me know.
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And as always, thank you so much for being here.
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It means everything to me to be in this work with you.
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I’ll see you next time and please share this episode with someone you know who would really benefit from it.
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Give us five stars on whatever platform you’re listening to and I’ll see you next time.
