Transcript
00:00:05 Joanna Lindenbaum
I’m Joanna Lindenbaum, a coach, ritualist, and all-around transformation nerd who is obsessed with helping clients go deep to create more change and results with their clients.
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I created the Coaching Revolution Podcast to share with you coaching skills, tips, and advice, as well as a deeper understanding of human behavior and of yourself.
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so that you can do even better client work and group work, grow your business organically, and know that you’re making a real difference in the world.
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This is about creating a revolution in the transformational industry so that more practitioners feel amazing about what they do, and so that more of our clients experience life-changing shifts.
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Let’s get started.
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Welcome back to the podcast.
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This is Joanna Lindenbaum and thank you, thank you for being here.
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Today we’re looking at the difference between supporting our clients
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and subtly rescuing our clients.
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Because as you could probably already guess, spoiler alert, we don’t want to be rescuing our clients in any way, even though coaches slip into rescue mode way more often than they realize.
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But let’s back up for a moment, because last week on the podcast, I talked about what to do when you don’t know what to say inside of a client session.
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We looked at those moments of uncertainty or stuckness where your mind either goes blank on what to do or say next in a session, or you have three different ideas at once and you don’t know what to do.
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It was a really deep dive episode.
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And I definitely recommend listening to it when you’re able to.
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But I bring it up because today’s episode, in a lot of ways, is a great companion to that conversation.
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Because one of the most common things that happens when we don’t know what to say next to a client who’s struggling is that we try to rescue them.
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We rush to fix.
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We rush to offer relief.
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often without even realizing that this is what we’re doing.
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And of course, it’s not our job to rescue or fix our clients.
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First and foremost, because they don’t need fixing or rescuing.
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I want to say that again because it’s so important.
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Our clients don’t need fixing or rescuing.
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This
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right here is a really, really important mindset and soul set piece that I believe as coaches, we really, really need to embody.
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This knowing that our clients don’t need fixing or rescuing, it can help us so much inside of our client work.
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It can help us be better and more masterful coaches.
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Because
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Fixing and rescuing isn’t actually supportive of our clients.
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It doesn’t truly support a client long-term to be able to reach their goals or to become more empowered or to truly trust themselves or to have more resilience and self-esteem.
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Now, what I’ve noticed is that
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Even when coaches and practitioners know this intellectually, know that it’s not our job to fix or rescue, that it’s not supportive, they can still fall into the trap of moving into rescue mode, whether it’s inside of a client session or in emails or interactions in between sessions.
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And also, it can be really, really subtle when we do rush to rescue mode, almost non-detectable sometimes.
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That’s how tricky it can be.
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And by the way, no pedestal or myth or perfection over here.
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I’ve been there myself more than once.
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This is also something that surfaces often when I support the coaches that I train inside of Sacred Depths.
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When we look at their client case studies, we can see the subtle difference between the supporting and the rescuing.
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We really work on it a lot.
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So today,
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For our podcast, I want to explore this very important and very nuanced topic, the difference between truly supporting your clients and subtly rescuing them.
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So let’s dive in.
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And first, I want to say this clearly.
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If you’ve ever rescued a client,
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Welcome to Being Human.
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And as we take a look in this episode at what’s going on when rescuing happens, and if you notice that you’ve been doing some of this in your client sessions, please, don’t start beating yourself up.
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Nothing I ever share is for the purpose of you judging yourself or feeling bad.
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We’re already doing enough of this, judging ourselves and feeling bad.
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I am sharing all of this to create awareness, to co-create awareness with you so that should you choose to tweak some of the things that you’ve been doing, you have the awareness and you have ideas and you have options.
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All of this is in service of not only becoming a better and better coach, but also
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in service of your own self-love.
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So rescuing does not mean that you’re a bad coach.
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If you’ve done it, doesn’t mean you’re a bad coach.
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It doesn’t mean that you lack skill or depth.
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It actually usually means that you care very deeply.
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And in fact,
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Rescuing is especially common among coaches and practitioners who are empathetic, conscientious, invested in their clients’ growth.
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and genuinely wanting to be of service.
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And I know that if you’re listening to this podcast, I have just described you.
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That’s one of the things I love about my students in Sacred Depths, as well as in my other coach trainings.
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And it’s one of the things I love about the coaches who listen to this podcast.
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You care deeply.
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You are so, committed to supporting your clients and to the results that they want to create.
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Same with me.
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That’s why I’m in it.
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And it is those same exact qualities that can sometimes make it so hard to detect when the coaching session has subtly shifted towards the rescue or fix mode.
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Okay, so let’s make this very concrete.
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I want to give you some examples.
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Here are some common moments when rescuing in a client session tends to happen.
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Number one, maybe a client is clearly disappointed in themselves, in their progress, in their life.
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And then you as the coach quickly reframe to help the client see the positive.
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That could be rescuing.
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Here’s another.
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Example, your client is feeling stuck and they say, I just don’t know what to do.
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And then you immediately offer options, next step actions or advice.
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That’s probably rescuing.
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I’ll give you another couple of examples.
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You’ve got a client who is sitting in shame or self-judgment
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And then you just rush to reassure them that they’re doing great, everything’s okay, right?
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Probably rescuing.
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And here’s one more example.
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You’ve got a client who is in pain or grief or uncertainty, and then you subtly steer the conversation towards insight or action in order to relieve the heaviness.
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Any of these scenarios, all of these scenarios can look like good coaching.
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And sometimes they absolutely are good coaching and appropriate.
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I want to be clear on that.
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There are definitely moments where what I just described is appropriate and exactly what is meant to happen next.
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But that being said,
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Often when these things happen, they’re driven by something happening inside of the practitioner, inside of the coach.
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And more specifically, they’re driven by a fear or an unhelpful belief or a reaction versus a response inside of the coach.
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And when
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any of these actions are coming from a place of fear or worry or discomfort inside of you, the coach, that’s when you know you’ve moved into rescuing territory and that you’re not leading your client or the session in the most supportive ways.
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So for those of you dear listeners who are my Sacred Depths graduates, that inside of Sacred Depths, yes, we learn tons of coaching and transformational skills and techniques.
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so that you have exactly what you need in your toolbox in order to be the best coach that you can be and support your clients to transformation and goals.
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And you also know that we look deeply at human behavior and psychology so that you know how to employ those techniques based on what’s going on for your client.
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But inside of Sacred Depths, we also place a lot of emphasis on your inner world, on the inner world of the practitioner, of the coach.
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We look deeply so that you can be aware of and understand your own fears, your own trauma responses, your own limiting beliefs.
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and your own reactions inside of your coaching containers.
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Because it’s not only the mastering of the transformational techniques that allows you to be an extraordinary coach.
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Another huge piece to being extraordinary is what we call
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inside of Sacred Depths, your energetics, the energy and beliefs inside of the coach, because energy follows energy.
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So when your energetics are off, when you’re coming from a place of fear, you’re not going to be able to clearly see
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the most supportive and aligned actions to take inside of your sessions.
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Your internal state shapes the session even more than your words do.
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So all of this is definitely the case when it comes to rescuing.
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So I want to take a look at what’s happening inside of you, inside of the coach,
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when you might move into rescuing.
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What’s really driving the rescuing?
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So a bunch of things could be happening.
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I’m going to share them and see if any of these relate to you.
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We tend to move into rescuing a client, A, when we feel uncomfortable with a client’s pain.
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Or when we feel pressure to deliver, let me just deliver right away something useful.
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We might slip into rescue mode when we’re worried that we’re not being effective or being a good enough coach.
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We might slip into rescue mode when we’re attached to outcome or we’re anxious about time or progress.
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sometimes for some of us, we might move into rescue mode if inside of our family of origin, we were often put into the superhero role or the role of the one who’s responsible for everybody in the family.
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If that was the case, I know that was often the case for me.
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I was the one responsible for everyone.
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it’s really easy then to slip into the rescue mode.
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And again, all of this connects directly to our episode last week, because when you don’t know what to say, when nothing obvious feels right, or when your client seems stuck, that moment is a crossroads.
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You can either stay present and curious,
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That’s what I recommend doing.
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Or you can try to make the discomfort go away.
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That’s what I don’t recommend doing.
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But rescuing is often the fastest way to just make the discomfort go away.
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And of course, making discomfort go away isn’t necessarily in the best interest of our clients.
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As coaches, we really need to learn how to become comfortable with our client’s discomfort and with our own discomfort.
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And then we want to go even further than that so that we can welcome our client’s discomfort if it comes up.
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This is one of those energetic skills for coaching, for working with clients, for supporting others to transform.
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That is so, so vital.
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So speaking of energetics, there is an energetic difference between supporting a client and rescuing a client.
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even if the words that are coming out of your mouth are exactly the same in either scenario.
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But you can feel the difference.
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So support tends to feel grounded, spacious, collaborative, and steady.
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It feels that way for you.
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And that’s also the feeling, that energy inside of the client container.
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And you can even take a moment to sense into your body what that feels like, that feeling of being grounded, spacious, collaborative, and steady.
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Now, rescuing feels really different from that.
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It feels urgent and contracted and
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outcome-driven, like rushing to the outcome, to make something happen.
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So we can sometimes know that we’ve moved into rescue mode simply by how we feel on the inside and what the container feels like.
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And I already kind of nodded to this, but I want to just make sure I lay out why rescuing.
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isn’t ultimately productive, why it doesn’t usually lead to the results your client want.
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And that’s because when you rescue, your client doesn’t fully metabolize their experience.
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Their difficult emotions don’t get integrated.
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When you rescue, whatever insight comes up, stays intellectual.
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rather than embodied.
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And we know from neuroscience that intellectual understanding often isn’t enough for a client to act on an insight alone.
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The other thing is, when we rescue, and if this becomes a pattern in our coaching with a client,
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the client can end up relying more on you than on themselves.
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We don’t want that.
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It can create dependency.
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It can also stall growth.
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It can have clients stay stuck in their patterns because they never really work through the patterns.
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They just, each time they get rescued out.
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When we rescue, even if it’s subtly, even if it’s well-intentioned, we can unintentionally send an unspoken message to our clients of, you can’t handle this on your own, or I need to manage this for you.
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That is not helpful.
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That is not helpful for confidence, for self-trust, for any of the things.
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Rescuing might create temporary relief in a session, sure, but it often delays the real transformation.
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And the truth is that rescuing often doesn’t even create temporary relief because
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It doesn’t truly address your client’s needs at the moment.
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It addresses your needs.
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It addresses your discomfort.
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It addresses your feeling of not being good enough in the moment, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
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Rescuing really bypasses our clients most of the time.
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But when we can support our clients, that’s when we can help build their capacity.
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And I’ll just, I’ll share, if you’ve been listening to this podcast for a while, if you’ve been inside of my programs, you know that I am a parent.
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I have two daughters.
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One is now 17, which I can’t believe.
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And my younger daughter is 12.
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And if you know me, you know that I take my parenting really seriously.
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I work at it.
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because I’m so, deeply invested in raising empowered and responsible humans who trust themselves, who know that they can get through tough moments and disappointments in life, et cetera, et cetera.
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And I bring this up because so often I can’t help but see the similarities between coaching clients
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and parenting.
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Now, of course, there are, of course, a lot of differences between coaching clients and parenting my children, but there also happens to be a lot of similarities.
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And I’ve actually learned a lot over the years about good parenting from being a coach for so long.
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And so I bring this up because I think it really applies to what we’ve been
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discussing.
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Just like we don’t want to rescue our clients because it sends the message of you can’t handle this on your own.
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Same with parenting if you’re a parent, right?
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I can’t tell you how many times one of my girls have been in a situation where all I’ve wanted to do is swoop in
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take my daughter into my arms and just make it all better for her, just rescue her, just make the problem or the pain or the disappointment just go away.
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And yeah, there are moments where it is appropriate to do that as a parent, some moments, but in general, I really need to watch myself with this.
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Because for as much as that’s the instinct to swoop in and rescue,
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I also know that my job isn’t to rescue my kiddo, for the most part, but instead to really hold the space to help her get regulated, or to help her process her emotions, or to help her find her resilience so she can get through the tough moment, et cetera, et cetera.
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This is what’s ultimately going to support my daughters to be empowered and resilient humans who trust themselves, who have capacity, who know how to get through life.
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So I share that because sometimes, if we can see it through this parenting context, it’s easier to also see it through the client context.
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So let me give you
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a little bit more of a detailed example of how all of this might look inside of a client session.
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I want you to kind of have a really clear picture so that you can apply some of this right away.
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So let’s say you have a client who is frustrated and discouraged and they say something like, I feel like I keep ending up in the same place over and over again.
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no matter how much work I do.
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So A rescuing response in that moment, it might sound like quick suggesting a new strategy or quick trying to reframe how your client feels or rushing to celebrate all of the things that are actually going well.
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Now,
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Of course, there is definitely a time and a place for each of those things that I just mentioned.
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And at some point, likely each of those things will happen inside of the client session.
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But not at first.
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Because most likely, each of those things that I just mentioned
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our bypassing mechanisms, our rescuing mechanisms, if you rush to them too soon.
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And like we said, especially if you rush to them because of your own discomfort or fear of inadequacy or need for the session to look a certain way, et cetera, et cetera.
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So instead of doing all of those things, here’s what you might want to consider instead.
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Slowing down.
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Slow down.
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Even just taking that pause, taking the beat, it can help you reset your energetics so that you can shift from the need to rescue to a more grounded place to support.
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You might want to consider acknowledging and honoring the pain or the disappointment.
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of the realization that your client just shared, that they feel like they’re in the same place over and over again.
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Help them honor that pain.
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Get curious then maybe about what feels most alive or tender for them.
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Maybe ask a question that invites your client’s agency, but overall,
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Please trust that your client has the capacity to be with their experience.
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And let things unfold rather than force them.
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So again, whereas rescue, rescue mode says, I don’t think you can handle this.
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Support says, I trust you to be in this.
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You can handle this.
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And that’s really where we want our sessions and our relationships with our clients to be.
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Now, important note here, none of this works if you, as the coach, aren’t regulated.
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So like I mentioned earlier, one of the most important pieces of this conversation and of all of coaching, no matter what the situation is with your client, is your energetics, is the state, the perspective, the ideas, the feeling that you bring to your client sessions.
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So if you go into a session rushed or dysregulated or anxious about results, you’ll slip into rescue mode way more easily.
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You’re not going to be in your grounded best self.
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And when you’re not in your grounded best self, it’s way easier to slip into your own fears and your own trauma responses and then have them hijack
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you or the coaching session.
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But when you step into your coaching sessions more grounded, more resourced, and more regulated, you can more easily sit with discomfort.
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You’re generally less reactive, and you’re more likely to trust the process.
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So in other words,
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Your nervous system sets the tone for your client sessions.
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This is about your body.
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So I know for myself, I’ve learned the hard way over the years.
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I’ve been coaching for 25 years and I’ve learned the hard way.
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that before a client session, I shouldn’t read any emails that are going to potentially trigger me, whether it’s from, has to do with my business or it has to do with my personal life.
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I’ve learned that before client sessions, I need to take a few breaths, get really set and grounded, et cetera, et cetera.
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So
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If you have been listening to this episode and taking this all in and you’re realizing that what we’ve been talking about, this comes up for you sometimes or a lot of the times that you do slip into rescue mode, but you’re not quite sure how to catch yourself in real time going into rescue mode,
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Then here are a few questions that you can ask yourself inside of your sessions.
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Number one, who am I doing this for right now?
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Am I trying to relieve my discomfort?
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What would trusting my client look like here?
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Right, so again, take that beat that I spoke about earlier, take the space
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Check in.
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Notice how you’re feeling.
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And then ask yourself these questions.
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And, you know, you’re not going to catch yourself slipping into rescue mode perfectly.
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None of us do.
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We’re all imperfect.
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We can still be great coaches and be imperfect.
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But we do want to commit to being aware of this because awareness
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creates choice.
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And when we have choice, we can do things differently.
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So this distinction between support and rescue, it’s pretty easy, I think, to understand intellectually once we all, we lay all of it out.
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But it really takes work and commitment to yourself
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to be able to embody it consistently.
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And that’s why inside of Sacred Depths, we don’t only talk about these things.
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We slow them down.
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We practice them.
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We refine them.
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And of course, we work deeply and somatically on all of our own fears and reactions and trauma responses.
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as coaches so that we don’t bring them to our client sessions, to our coaching sessions.
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So I want to close with this.
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We have all rescued clients at one time or another.
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And we probably will again.
00:32:54 Joanna Lindenbaum
Again, the goal is not perfection.
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The goal is never perfection.
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There’s no such thing as perfection.
00:33:02 Joanna Lindenbaum
The goal is to get better and better at it.
00:33:06 Joanna Lindenbaum
And what I can tell you is that the more you trust your clients to be with their experience, the more that they will trust themselves.
00:33:21 Joanna Lindenbaum
And that is truly where the real depth, where real transformation lives.
00:33:31 Joanna Lindenbaum
If you loved today’s episode, then there is a big chance that you would also love and value the Sacred Depths Transformational Practitioner training.
00:33:44 Joanna Lindenbaum
In Sacred Depths, we get to all of the nooks and the crannies of how to be an exceptional coach or an exceptional transformational practitioner.
00:33:54 Joanna Lindenbaum
We learn how to go deep with our clients.
00:33:57 Joanna Lindenbaum
We learn how to do somatic work with fear and resistance and unhelpful beliefs, and we learn so much more.
00:34:05 Joanna Lindenbaum
The next cohort doesn’t begin until the beginning of April.
00:34:10 Joanna Lindenbaum
But for folks who have been waiting and wanting to step in, they’re doing that right now quietly through the back door because we have early, early bird rates.
00:34:24 Joanna Lindenbaum
So I’ll drop a link to Sacred Depths in the show notes so you can check it out.
00:34:31 Joanna Lindenbaum
And if you loved today’s episode, if you found it valuable, would you do me a couple of favors?
00:34:39 Joanna Lindenbaum
So first of all, if you are listening on a podcast platform, would you give us a five-star review?
00:34:49 Joanna Lindenbaum
It really, really helps.
00:34:51 Joanna Lindenbaum
I’m trying to get the word out to as many coaches who need the podcast.
00:34:57 Joanna Lindenbaum
If you loved the episode, would you also tell your friends about it?
00:35:02 Joanna Lindenbaum
And I’d love to hear from you.
00:35:06 Joanna Lindenbaum
I want to hear how this
00:35:10 Joanna Lindenbaum
podcast is impacting and what you’re taking and also what you want to be hearing from me.
00:35:16 Joanna Lindenbaum
So drop me an e-mail or a DM.
00:35:19 Joanna Lindenbaum
Let me know what you loved about this episode, what you learned from this episode, what questions you have for me.
00:35:26 Joanna Lindenbaum
I read every single e-mail and DM personally and I respond personally as well.
00:35:36 Joanna Lindenbaum
Again, thank you so much for
00:35:39 Joanna Lindenbaum
devoting some of your precious time today to this episode and to your coaching practice and to becoming more extraordinary.
00:35:50 Joanna Lindenbaum
I don’t take it for granted that you are here and listening, and I appreciate you very much.
