Transcript
00:00:05 Joanna Lindenbaum
I’m Joanna Lindenbaum, a coach ritualist and all around transformation nerd who is obsessed with helping clients go deep to create more change and results with their clients. I created the coaching.
00:00:20 Joanna Lindenbaum
Revolution podcast to share with you coaching skills, tips and advice as well as a deeper understanding of human behavior and.
00:00:29 Joanna Lindenbaum
Of yourself so that you can do even better client work and group work. Grow your business organically.
00:00:37 Joanna Lindenbaum
And know that you’re making a real difference in the world. This is about creating a revolution in the transformational industry so that more practitioners feel amazing.
00:00:40
Ohh.
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About what they do and so that more of our clients experience life changing shifts, let’s get started.
00:01:02 Joanna Lindenbaum
Welcome back to the podcast. Before we jump in, I want to note that this is our 50th podcast episode. We made it to 50 for the coaching revolution. It feels like a big milestone.
00:01:22 Joanna Lindenbaum
And an exciting 1. And I am always trying to not only make note of things that don’t go so well, but also make note of the things that are going well and take time to savor celebration.
00:01:40 Joanna Lindenbaum
And accomplishments. And so I hope you’ll celebrate with me. I am. I’m just really glad we did it. I’m excited that we did it and I hope that it has been as valuable for you as it has been for me. As you’ve been listening along.
00:01:59 Joanna Lindenbaum
And.
00:02:00 Joanna Lindenbaum
Today’s episode is a little bit of a different one, I guess. In honor of it being the 50th, though, I didn’t plan it that way. Today I’m going to be sharing a bunch of different stories and short anecdotes about the ways that.
00:02:20 Joanna Lindenbaum
My own sensitivity to rejection, my fear of being rejection, shows up in my life, and I’ll just tell you off the bat.
00:02:33 Joanna Lindenbaum
I’m a little.
00:02:34 Joanna Lindenbaum
Scared to share some of the things that I’m going to be sharing on this episode. They are really personal and kind of vulnerable to be sharing about being sensitive to rejection in my business and also in my friendships.
00:02:54 Joanna Lindenbaum
And not just ohh those things. I used to be scared of or sensitive to, but it’s all better now. I as I always do. You know, I pull back the veils and I’m going to be sharing some very active sensitivities that still show.
00:03:15 Joanna Lindenbaum
Up.
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For me.
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And I hope I hope, I hope that I’m going to be able to articulate these things in ways where I don’t sound like a total kook, but instead that you’ll be able to really relate to that. And you know, I’m kind of putting on those metaphoric big girl panties and being brave.
00:03:37 Joanna Lindenbaum
And sharing about all of this for a really specific and important reason. And here it is.
00:03:45 Joanna Lindenbaum
Because so many of us, including our clients, hold ourselves back from creating what we want in our lives or feeling how we want to feel in our lives because of our fear of or sensitivity to rejection and a lot, first and foremost.
00:04:06 Joanna Lindenbaum
By sharing my stories to normalize all of it. Which?
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Which?
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Is a big thing. We want to be doing as coaches and leaders, we want to be normalizing the messiness in life. We want to be normalizing the weird things that happen to us or transpire inside of us. Those things that you.
00:04:33 Joanna Lindenbaum
So people tend to think are unique or they’re ashamed about inside of themselves. We want to normalize all of this. Normalizing can be so, so helpful. It can feel so nurturing for our clients, for our communities, when we normalized.
00:04:54 Joanna Lindenbaum
Shared experience or feelings. It reminds us of our shared humanity.
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It reminds us that it’s OK for life.
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To be imperfect and messy.
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And challenging.
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When we normalize, we can help things feel not so heavy.
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Or hard for.
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Our clients or like we’re all in this alone and I just I think this is such a gift.
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Such a gift we can give our clients, our groups, our communities.
00:05:35 Joanna Lindenbaum
And I’ve seen some of the gifts of normalization come out over the last few years with this newish term that’s become popular among certain communities. If you’re kind of keen to it and it’s a term that’s called.
00:05:55 Joanna Lindenbaum
Rejection sensitivity dysphoria.
00:05:58 Joanna Lindenbaum
Yeah, this is for folks who have an intense emotional reaction to perceived or actual criticism or rejection and rejection. Sensitivity dysphoria is often characterized by extreme sensitivity to.
00:06:18 Joanna Lindenbaum
Rejection or criticism, and it can lead to overwhelming feelings of sadness or anger or worthlessness.
00:06:25 Joanna Lindenbaum
Yes, etc. Researchers have found that rejection sensitivity dysphoria is often experienced by individuals who have been diagnosed with ADHD, and so at least 20 to 30% of my clients and the practitioners.
00:06:47 Joanna Lindenbaum
That I train have been diagnosed with ADHD and I will tell you as soon as they’ve learned about this term rejection sensitivity.
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Dysphoria and how it’s often linked to ADHD. It has been so helpful for them, again because of normalization, because this then there’s this feeling of ohh, it’s not just that I’m the only one like this.
00:07:20 Joanna Lindenbaum
Others are experiencing this too. We’re in this together. There’s a reason why I feel these things that I have been ashamed of, right?
00:07:32 Joanna Lindenbaum
And I’ll share that even for me and I don’t qualify as someone who has ADHD, I don’t really have the symptoms of it. But even for me, with that, it’s been so comforting to learn about rejection.
00:07:52 Joanna Lindenbaum
Sensitivity to.
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Korea, because while the term I wouldn’t quite say it describes me.
00:08:02 Joanna Lindenbaum
I still resonate with a lot of it. It’s still normalizes and helps me make more sense of my weird reactions and quirks to rejection or perceived rejection in my life.
00:08:18 Joanna Lindenbaum
So I’m sharing personal stories today to normalize, but I’m also sharing all of these personal stories because the more that we can talk about the different ways that the fear of rejection or sensitivity to rejection come up.
00:08:38 Joanna Lindenbaum
The more able we are to help our clients when it comes to their relationships, their social interactions, even social interactions within their work, the more that we’re able to help our clients show up in those social situations or networking events.
00:08:58 Joanna Lindenbaum
It helps us help them with their ability to take action towards their goals, whether those goals are in business or creative pursuits, or corporate careers or.
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Are organizing inside of their communities being on PTO boards, doing things in their families, etcetera. Also, the more that we as practitioners talk about learn about the different ways that the fear of rejection or sensitivity to rejection can come.
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Up it can also help us help our clients identify more of their negative self talk and the ways that we can so often be way too hard on ourselves.
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I’ve helped my own clients with the fear of rejection since day one of my coaching practice, so I’ve been helping clients.
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With this for.
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Decades now, and I can tell you, at least for the.
00:10:06 Joanna Lindenbaum
People that I help and support this fear of rejection or sensitivity to rejection, it’s pervasive.
00:10:13 Joanna Lindenbaum
It shows up in so many ways. It’s really such a natural human survival reaction and.
00:10:25 Joanna Lindenbaum
Of course, fear of rejection or rejection sensitivity is related to feeling.
00:10:31 Joanna Lindenbaum
Not good enough.
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Or it can be related to a sense of not belonging, or a sense of not feeling likable or lovable. Etcetera, etcetera. And this is a topic that can be the culprit behind.
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A lot of heartache and problems.
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Which is why we really want to.
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Work on it.
00:10:59 Joanna Lindenbaum
So today, in addition to sharing some personal examples, I’ll also be sharing some overarching pointers on how to help clients and also how to help ourselves with the fear of rejection.
00:11:20 Joanna Lindenbaum
And in case you haven’t heard in a few weeks, I’m going to be hosting a special community workshop called Unshaken how to face rejection and keep on going. We’ll be coming together in a deep and sacred space for three hours.
00:11:41 Joanna Lindenbaum
And we’re going to be doing fear work. Emotional regulation work.
00:11:44 Joanna Lindenbaum
Work and strategic work to be able to tolerate rejection more so that you can take actions in your business and in your life that you really want to take. But maybe you’ve been holding yourself back from it because of that fear of rejection, or that sensitivity to it. And I am so excited about this workshop.
00:12:07 Joanna Lindenbaum
Because part of the work that we’re going to be doing in it is some Jungian archetype work through the lens of the ugly duckling story, it is going to be really rich.
00:12:24 Joanna Lindenbaum
And deep and layered and impactful, I’ll drop the link to register in the show notes and I would love to see you there.
00:12:37 Joanna Lindenbaum
OK, so here we go. I hope I don’t blush too much as I share some of these weird and not so weird ways that sensitivity to rejection comes up for me. And please please please if as you listen you recognize.
00:12:57 Joanna Lindenbaum
That you experience some of the things that I’m sharing.
00:13:02 Joanna Lindenbaum
Drop a line and let me know. I really want to know. I want to hear or drop a line and let me know about some of your weird ways of reacting to rejection. Maybe some ways that I don’t mention. I will absolutely respond to you personally and we can share.
00:13:22 Joanna Lindenbaum
The loving chuckle on all of it with each other.
00:13:27 Joanna Lindenbaum
So.
00:13:29 Joanna Lindenbaum
I’ll start here with what I would call. Maybe some of the more expected ways or ways that you would think about the fear of rejection might show up that I’ve experienced and some of the more expected ways.
00:13:51 Joanna Lindenbaum
They showed up more towards the beginning of my business. Those first, I don’t know, 3-4, five years.
00:14:02 Joanna Lindenbaum
And by no means have I, you know, is it that these things don’t come up anymore? But for these first things, I’m going to share, I’m going.
00:14:16 Joanna Lindenbaum
To say I’m.
00:14:16 Joanna Lindenbaum
Proud that they don’t come up as much anymore.
00:14:22 Joanna Lindenbaum
Sharing them because maybe they’re coming up for you, or maybe they’re coming up for your clients. So for example.
00:14:31 Joanna Lindenbaum
For the first years of my business, I held back a lot from doing one of the most effective things that you can do to grow your business. I knew this was one of the most effective things I could do to grow my business. And yet.
00:14:51 Joanna Lindenbaum
I struggled with it deeply and this is doing individual outreach to people that you know.
00:15:02 Joanna Lindenbaum
Asking them if they would be interested in maybe connecting to talk about working with you or doing individual outreach to people who you know might have referrals for you.
00:15:21 Joanna Lindenbaum
This is one of the most effective marketing strategies you can do because it’s high touch. Anything that is individualized is going to work.
00:15:35 Joanna Lindenbaum
Really well. And also especially when you’re starting out your business, but even later on in your business, because I still do a lot of individual outreach in my business you want to you want to ask the people first who know you well, who already love you, who already trust you, right? Those are the people you want to make.
00:15:56 Joanna Lindenbaum
Invitations to.
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Anyway.
00:16:00 Joanna Lindenbaum
Maybe this is happening for you as well, but I held back big time on individual outreach and.
00:16:11 Joanna Lindenbaum
Because of that fear of rejection.
00:16:14 Joanna Lindenbaum
Even when I really, really stretched and I did the individual outreach a little bit here and there.
00:16:23 Joanna Lindenbaum
I didn’t follow up.
00:16:25 Joanna Lindenbaum
If I didn’t hear from someone, it was like, that’s it. I’ve been rejected. They don’t want to hear from me. I can’t send a follow up e-mail about this. That is just too pushy.
00:16:37 Joanna Lindenbaum
And Oh my gosh, I don’t want to be rejected even more. Right. I just kind of, like, run away and forget that I even sent that initial outreach in the 1st place. But of course, I always say now, after almost 25 years of being in business, I know this to be true follow up.
00:16:58 Joanna Lindenbaum
Is essential with marketing.
00:17:02 Joanna Lindenbaum
Very few people pay attention the first time you send something out.
00:17:09 Joanna Lindenbaum
Even even sometimes with individual outreach, right? So try not to be scared to do follow up.
00:17:19 Joanna Lindenbaum
In those first years of my business, because of the fear of rejection.
00:17:27 Joanna Lindenbaum
I also did it and this is kind of embarrassing, but I’m just sharing it because you might recognize this inside of yourself and I just want to normalize it.
00:17:37 Joanna Lindenbaum
I did it follow up a couple times with some prospects, so I had a couple situations in those first years of business where I would get referrals and the person that was making the referrals would be so gracious and so kind as to send an e-mail.
00:17:58 Joanna Lindenbaum
To both me and the person that she thought would be a great fit for working with me.
00:18:05 Joanna Lindenbaum
And guess what?
00:18:07 Joanna Lindenbaum
I didn’t respond, I said to myself, well, if the prospect isn’t responding to this CC D e-mail, then they don’t want me. They don’t want to hear from me. I’m not going to respond or follow up.
00:18:23 Joanna Lindenbaum
Right, all of.
00:18:24 Joanna Lindenbaum
That just because of the fear of rejection.
00:18:29 Joanna Lindenbaum
So many other things I could share here. I’ll share another example.
00:18:36 Joanna Lindenbaum
You might know this one for yourself.
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UM.
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Under charging.
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So under charging I mean so many things.
00:18:49 Joanna Lindenbaum
That are at the root of under charging and but one of them.
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For me, for.
00:18:57 Joanna Lindenbaum
Sure. When I first started out was the fear of rejection. I was just so scared that if I charged anywhere near what felt like a good.
00:19:10 Joanna Lindenbaum
Exchange for my time for my experience, for my expertise that nobody would say yes, that they would just think like who are you to even think right and.
00:19:26 Joanna Lindenbaum
I can laugh at this now, but I was charging when I first started out $15.00 an hour. I may have shared this before on the podcast now. Yeah, it was 25 years ago. So many, you know, numbers were a little bit different than they are now. But I am telling you.
00:19:47 Joanna Lindenbaum
Even in the early 2000s especially, I was living in New York City charging $15.00 an hour was extremely low.
00:20:01 Joanna Lindenbaum
Another thing from the first years in my business and maybe you’ve got some kind of version of this rolling around inside of you or something that you’ve done in your business or your work that is similar to this?
00:20:22 Joanna Lindenbaum
In the this happened in the very first year.
00:20:26 Joanna Lindenbaum
Of me being in business, it was actually before I started my own business and I was in business with Don, who was my business partner. We got approached.
00:20:41 Joanna Lindenbaum
I don’t know how. I don’t know how anybody even heard of us. Honestly, it was the time of we were marketing by putting Flyers up about our circles in cafes. That was our biggest form of marketing and yoga studios.
00:20:56 Joanna Lindenbaum
Anyway, we actually got.
00:21:00 Joanna Lindenbaum
Contacted by a somewhat large publisher.
00:21:08 Joanna Lindenbaum
An editor there had caught wind of our work.
00:21:12 Joanna Lindenbaum
Maybe she went to one of our circles. I’m not sure, but she reached out to us directly and asked us to submit.
00:21:20 Joanna Lindenbaum
A proposal for a book.
00:21:24 Joanna Lindenbaum
On sacred rhythms on on following the the rhythms of the year.
00:21:33 Joanna Lindenbaum
And guess what?
00:21:36 Joanna Lindenbaum
We never submitted the proposal, even though it was such a dream of ours, you know, top on the bucket list.
00:21:44 Joanna Lindenbaum
To be published authors, we just didn’t get it together. We never responded and I know.
00:21:54 Joanna Lindenbaum
That’s so much of that procrastination and avoidance and overwhelm and confusion of how we’re going to do a proposal. All of that. The core fear there was fear of rejection.
00:22:11 Joanna Lindenbaum
So.
00:22:12 Joanna Lindenbaum
With a lot of these examples that I’ve shared with you already, I will tell you that these things don’t really so much happen in my business anymore. I really, you know, by the 3rd 4th ish.
00:22:33 Joanna Lindenbaum
Year of my business I couldn’t tolerate.
00:22:36 Joanna Lindenbaum
These behaviors anymore I could see so clearly how they were sabotaging me and holding me back from what I really wanted in my business. And so I worked with the fear of rejection around these things. I got to the root.
00:22:57 Joanna Lindenbaum
Of the fears and the beliefs and.
00:23:03 Joanna Lindenbaum
These things now rarely come up in my business anymore. They still do a little bit. No myth of perfection here. No pedestal here, but at least for these kinds of examples, I’m I’m. I am.
00:23:23 Joanna Lindenbaum
Pretty much on the other side of them, because of the deep inner and outer work.
00:23:30 Joanna Lindenbaum
That I did around it.
00:23:33 Joanna Lindenbaum
By that being said, again, no perfection here, because I still have quite a number of more subtle and some not so subtle behaviors and.
00:23:53 Joanna Lindenbaum
Intense feelings that come up that are absolutely, 100% related to being sensitive to rejection.
00:24:07 Joanna Lindenbaum
And.
00:24:09 Joanna Lindenbaum
One area that this sensitivity to rejection has come up in a lot in my life.
00:24:20 Joanna Lindenbaum
Is in my friendships, so I am someone who really, really, really values friendships.
00:24:32 Joanna Lindenbaum
I have worked in my life to be able to have a lot of close, lifelong friendships and long term friendships. It’s funny. I’ve been living now in Charlotte.
00:24:52 Joanna Lindenbaum
For about 13 years. And so a lot of my Charlotte friends, I think of them as new friends that actually some of that, those friendships have been 13 years long. But I also am still very, very close.
00:25:05 Joanna Lindenbaum
With college friends, friends from when I was living in my 20s in New York and I’m still close and some of my closest besties are from high school. You know, I’ve worked a lot to create.
00:25:21 Joanna Lindenbaum
And maintain dear friendships, some very, very close some I would say semi close and yet.
00:25:33 Joanna Lindenbaum
Even with all of that.
00:25:36 Joanna Lindenbaum
I will share with you that I often feel like an outsider or that I don’t quite belong. Even sometimes.
00:25:50 Joanna Lindenbaum
In my groups of friends that I’ve been friends with for almost 40 years now, and you know I attribute this kind of feeling like an outsider or like I don’t belong to lots of different things. And I’ve worked on them over the years, but.
00:26:10 Joanna Lindenbaum
You know, my parents are both immigrants and I grew.
00:26:13 Joanna Lindenbaum
Up in a household, it’s just a very strong immigrant. I don’t know what you want to call it. Vibes, immigrant vibes, and there’s a lot, you know, with immigrants around feeling like an outsider, feeling of not belonging in any one place.
00:26:33 Joanna Lindenbaum
I grew up with a lot of handed down trauma around being Jewish and you know a lot around that. And you know, I think I’ve shared here before on the podcast I have.
00:26:49 Joanna Lindenbaum
Holocaust history and just also feeling different feeling outside of the box. So there a lot of outsider feelings, feelings like I don’t quite belong worrying.
00:27:06 Joanna Lindenbaum
Do people really like me? Do they like me for who I am, you know? Can I be myself? Am I good enough? That kind of thing. So anyway.
00:27:18 Joanna Lindenbaum
Really.
00:27:19 Joanna Lindenbaum
It’s this weird thing with me. We’re all at the same time. I feel very. I don’t know. I guess you could say like, stable and secure.
00:27:32 Joanna Lindenbaum
In a lot of my friendships.
00:27:35 Joanna Lindenbaum
And on the other hand, at the exact same time.
00:27:39 Joanna Lindenbaum
I recognize that I have such a sensitivity to rejection in my friendships, so I’ll give you some examples of this, and I really I am a little embarrassed, but I know it will be helpful. So as an example, I can be talking.
00:28:00 Joanna Lindenbaum
To a friend of mine, any friend of mine almost who I’m close with, who we’ve been friends for a long time, and I know that they value me. I know that they’re a good friend. I know they love me. I know they do anything for me.
00:28:18 Joanna Lindenbaum
And yet.
00:28:20 Joanna Lindenbaum
If they mention sometimes, not always, but sometimes if they mention other friends like ohh, I’m going on vacation with this other set of friends. Or ohh I’m, you know, spending the holidays with these other good friends.
00:28:38 Joanna Lindenbaum
Sometimes all of a sudden I get this like.
00:28:43 Joanna Lindenbaum
Not quite a pit in my stomach, but almost like this recoiling feeling like I’ve just been slapped in the face. I’m laughing because it’s so silly, but it’s real and it’s a visceral it’s it’s like I feel rejected because a friend is spending.
00:29:03 Joanna Lindenbaum
Quality time with other friends, like somehow them hanging out with these other people in these deep, intimate ways means.
00:29:17 Joanna Lindenbaum
That they don’t value hanging out with me like it’s a rejection of me. Of course, of course.
00:29:25 Joanna Lindenbaum
Cognitively, I understand that that’s not the case, right? I get it. I I I know they love me and it’s it’s like, almost like, I feel ashamed that I feel this slap in the face when it happens.
00:29:42 Joanna Lindenbaum
But it does. And then I have to, you know, modulate my reaction so they can’t see on my face that somehow I’ve gotten insulted and I feel rejected, you know, and we move on. Right. And and again it doesn’t happen every time, but it it happens, it happens.
00:30:02 Joanna Lindenbaum
Enough. And so, even though I’ve worked on the sensitivity to rejection, it’s still in my system in these ways, even though I have so much confidence around so much many things or feel secure in relationship.
00:30:21 Joanna Lindenbaum
It can still come up and I’ll share. Gosh, this is embarrassing, but again, I’m doing it for your sake, dear listener, to normalize or so that you can maybe recognize some of these places inside of yourself and your clients. But I’ll share even recently this is so ridiculous that this happened.
00:30:42 Joanna Lindenbaum
And and I’m being compassionate with myself about it because I know it’s it’s about my sensitivity to rejection. But I have.
00:30:52
Of.
00:30:53 Joanna Lindenbaum
A friend here in Charlotte, not my closest friend, but we’re semi close. Like we’re pretty. We’re pretty close and she’s had some illness recently, which her and her husband didn’t really share much about.
00:31:13 Joanna Lindenbaum
For months I had a sense something was going on, but I didn’t know for sure and I didn’t it. I just didn’t feel like I could ask anyway.
00:31:24 Joanna Lindenbaum
I don’t know about a month ago the her illness. Unfortunately, you know, got so bad that she ended up in the hospital and and her husband called me to let me know. And you know, he let me know that they hadn’t really been telling.
00:31:45 Joanna Lindenbaum
Anyone, for whatever reason, they didn’t want people to know, but now they’re slowly starting to let people know. And you know, I’m one of the first people, et cetera.
00:31:54 Joanna Lindenbaum
Et cetera and.
00:31:57 Joanna Lindenbaum
Again, this is not an inner circle, friend, it’s someone who I’m close with but not an inner circle friend. I know that she has an inner circle and I I am sure I know that over the months.
00:32:10 Joanna Lindenbaum
She had told her inner circle friends about this and I hope that she did right because we need others to support us when we go through times like this, but somehow somehow, even though cognitively it makes no sense, I was a little insulted, right, that I wasn’t one of the first.
00:32:32 Joanna Lindenbaum
The very first people to know.
00:32:35 Joanna Lindenbaum
It’s so silly, and again, I can recognize all of this as my own stuff.
00:32:46 Joanna Lindenbaum
And understanding all of this through the lens of rejection sensitivity has been so so helpful for me because.
00:33:01 Joanna Lindenbaum
I used to just think that there was something really wrong with me, like how could I be so self-centered that I need for people to only be friends with me or you know, like whatever, whatever it is, right. But that’s not the case. It’s not my ego. It’s not my self centeredness.
00:33:22 Joanna Lindenbaum
It’s not my narcissism, it’s that there’s a wiring inside of me that is incredibly sensitive.
00:33:33 Joanna Lindenbaum
To rejection and and perceived rejection right and even when I’m not actually being.
00:33:43 Joanna Lindenbaum
Rejected. It’s like the emergency alarm.
00:33:49 Joanna Lindenbaum
Can go off inside of me and try to tell me that a rejection is happening and almost like it’s a threat to my survival.
00:34:01 Joanna Lindenbaum
In one way or another, you know, probably because in my family history and trauma, the rejection pieces led to murder and to programs and to all different types.
00:34:21 Joanna Lindenbaum
Of dangerous rejection.
00:34:27 Joanna Lindenbaum
OK, I’m going to take all of this even a step further and I’m almost cringing to share this. But again, I, you know, it’s going to be helpful for some of you, my dear listeners. And so I’m going to just share it.
00:34:45 Joanna Lindenbaum
This thing that I just described with my friendships.
00:34:49
Yes.
00:34:52 Joanna Lindenbaum
Where?
00:34:53 Joanna Lindenbaum
Even when I’m.
00:34:55 Joanna Lindenbaum
Not actually being rejected, but just because they’re hanging out with other people deeply, you know intimately. I’m feeling rejected.
00:35:07
Well.
00:35:08 Joanna Lindenbaum
Sometimes this even comes up for me with my beloved beloved clients.
00:35:16 Joanna Lindenbaum
So I I have so many clients and students whom I know adore me, have really valued and continue to value our work together, who sign up.
00:35:36 Joanna Lindenbaum
To work with me or be in my programs, you know, over and over again who’ve taken all of my programs, who sing my praises to their friends and online, and even with all of that.
00:35:56 Joanna Lindenbaum
Sometimes, not always.
00:35:59 Joanna Lindenbaum
But sometimes.
00:36:02 Joanna Lindenbaum
If they start working with another practitioner or take somebody else’s program even while they’re still working with me and telling me how much they’re loving, working with me.
00:36:15 Joanna Lindenbaum
I get that same slap in the face feeling like ohh my gosh, I’m being rejected.
00:36:24 Joanna Lindenbaum
And I really have to catch myself when that comes up.
00:36:30 Joanna Lindenbaum
Because it’s not a rejection and.
00:36:36 Joanna Lindenbaum
This even happened. I don’t know. A couple days ago I was scrolling online and I saw that one of my beloved beloved clients, and this is someone who has worked with me.
00:36:52 Joanna Lindenbaum
For I don’t know, 7-8 years now she’s taken all of my programs, she’s taken some of my programs more than once. She is one of my biggest champions.
00:37:06 Joanna Lindenbaum
I saw that she posted online.
00:37:10 Joanna Lindenbaum
About someone knew that she had discovered whose classes she’s going to and how much she loves them, and the impact that it’s making.
00:37:22 Joanna Lindenbaum
And.
00:37:23 Joanna Lindenbaum
Momentarily, when I read that.
00:37:26
It.
00:37:27 Joanna Lindenbaum
It’s like my heart sank. It’s like.
00:37:32 Joanna Lindenbaum
In that moment.
00:37:33 Joanna Lindenbaum
I forgot all of the ways that this client values me.
00:37:41 Joanna Lindenbaum
And instead I took it as a rejection, which of course is ridiculous.
00:37:51 Joanna Lindenbaum
And.
00:37:52 Joanna Lindenbaum
You know what’s funny? I hadn’t thought about this until right now, but.
00:37:59 Joanna Lindenbaum
It’s almost as if I I often.
00:38:04 Joanna Lindenbaum
And more sensitive to perceived rejection. Then, when someone actually rejects me, I don’t know if that sounds weird, but when when there is an actual rejection, like I don’t like you or whatever it is, I don’t know. I’m not as invested.
00:38:25 Joanna Lindenbaum
For whatever reason.
00:38:28 Joanna Lindenbaum
So anyway, I share this.
00:38:31 Joanna Lindenbaum
In case this comes up for you, right. And I just so you know, I’m continuing to do my work on this and.
00:38:43 Joanna Lindenbaum
Luckily.
00:38:47 Joanna Lindenbaum
It doesn’t. This this sensitivity that I’m talking about, it doesn’t really on the outer realm impact my actions in my business.
00:38:59 Joanna Lindenbaum
Or my relation my outer relationship with my client?
00:39:04 Joanna Lindenbaum
Anymore. It’s more now something that I’m continuing to really work on to bring into alignment.
00:39:14 Joanna Lindenbaum
Inside of myself.
00:39:17 Joanna Lindenbaum
OK, so I could go on and on and on. I could give you many other examples, but I think probably enough tell all from Joanna for now. Though again, I really do hope that it’s been helpful and assuring for you to hear that you’re not alone if you’ve got some weird rejection sensitivities.
00:39:40 Joanna Lindenbaum
Going on, I also hope it’s helpful.
00:39:44 Joanna Lindenbaum
So that you can understand a little more about what might be possibly going on for your clients internally, when you see some of these self sabotaging behaviors from the outside. So from here, let’s talk.
00:40:03 Joanna Lindenbaum
About what to do, right? Like how do you work with the fear of rejection or being sensitive to rejection?
00:40:16 Joanna Lindenbaum
I’ll share a couple of general pieces right now that I want you to be aware of for yourself and also for when you’re working with clients.
00:40:31 Joanna Lindenbaum
Number one, never, never, never underestimate the power of creating awareness.
00:40:41 Joanna Lindenbaum
As a first step.
00:40:44 Joanna Lindenbaum
So it can be so helpful.
00:40:48 Joanna Lindenbaum
For so many reasons to create awareness on the behaviors that are the symptoms of the fear of rejection, of rejection and the sensitivity to rejection.
00:41:04 Joanna Lindenbaum
Your clients.
00:41:07 Joanna Lindenbaum
May be exhibiting certain resistance behaviors or self sabotage behaviors and not realizing that at the core of those behaviors is is a big, deep fear of rejection.
00:41:24 Joanna Lindenbaum
And bringing awareness to that number one, it gives them choice, right? We don’t have choices when things are in our blind spots, but we do have choices when we see what’s going on, we can choose to do things differently or feel differently.
00:41:46 Joanna Lindenbaum
The other part of creating awareness is, as we were talking about at the beginning of this episode, is normalizing, right? So they don’t have to feel shame or embarrassment or like, Oh my gosh, I’m so weird or different for feeling these fit that these feelings, these things or doing these things because of my feelings.
00:42:06 Joanna Lindenbaum
I don’t have to feel weird or ashamed.
00:42:09 Joanna Lindenbaum
Because I tend toward being sensitive to rejection.
00:42:15 Joanna Lindenbaum
So creating awareness and of course.
00:42:20 Joanna Lindenbaum
You know there is a whole art and skill to creating awareness, lots of different skills and techniques. We spend 3 full sessions in the sacred depths, transformational practitioner training.
00:42:35 Joanna Lindenbaum
Learning different ways of creating awareness because there’s so much there.
00:42:43 Joanna Lindenbaum
After creating awareness, you might want to consider.
00:42:48 Joanna Lindenbaum
Working somatically with fears and beliefs so and even, I guess part of that, I should say, is get to the root fears and beliefs that are embedded inside of the rejection sensitivity or the fear of rejection.
00:43:09 Joanna Lindenbaum
Because there are other fears and beliefs that are embedded inside of that, whether it’s around belonging or not, good enough or being alone or, you know, could be a variety of things. So get to those roots.
00:43:26 Joanna Lindenbaum
And work somatically with the fears and the beliefs to start to become better friends with the fears, and to start to release some of the beliefs that aren’t helpful and and again in sacred depths we spend, you know, we learn thoroughly techniques.
00:43:47 Joanna Lindenbaum
Or befriend your fears and other techniques for rewiring unhelpful thought patterns, because as coaches and practitioners, therapists we you know we we want to have those skills in our toolbox.
00:44:02 Joanna Lindenbaum
Part of the working somatically with the fears and the beliefs.
00:44:09 Joanna Lindenbaum
Is.
00:44:10 Joanna Lindenbaum
To support clients and ourselves.
00:44:15 Joanna Lindenbaum
To get regulated in the face of rejection.
00:44:21 Joanna Lindenbaum
So.
00:44:21 Joanna Lindenbaum
Ohh, here’s the truth.
00:44:26 Joanna Lindenbaum
We are going to get rejected.
00:44:30 Joanna Lindenbaum
In our lives, and especially if we’re going after big goals.
00:44:36 Joanna Lindenbaum
We are going to sometimes experience true rejection.
00:44:45 Joanna Lindenbaum
The book proposal won’t be accepted.
00:44:48 Joanna Lindenbaum
The prospect is going to say no.
00:44:51 Joanna Lindenbaum
The person we have a crush on is not going to crush on us back.
00:44:58 Joanna Lindenbaum
We’re not going to get into the school or academic program that we wanted.
00:45:04 Joanna Lindenbaum
People aren’t going to respond to the launch.
00:45:09 Joanna Lindenbaum
It’s going to happen. It is just a fact of life unless we hide in our caves and never put ourselves out there.
00:45:20 Joanna Lindenbaum
Rejection is part of growth.
00:45:24 Joanna Lindenbaum
It’s part of achievement.
00:45:26 Joanna Lindenbaum
It’s part of success.
00:45:30 Joanna Lindenbaum
If we’re not getting rejected, we’re probably not putting ourselves out there enough. And so it’s so vital.
00:45:42 Joanna Lindenbaum
For us to learn.
00:45:45 Joanna Lindenbaum
How to stay regulated inside of our nervous systems?
00:45:53 Joanna Lindenbaum
Even in the face of getting rejected.
00:45:58 Joanna Lindenbaum
So we want.
00:45:59 Joanna Lindenbaum
To be working that angle and supporting our clients.
00:46:05 Joanna Lindenbaum
With regulation.
00:46:08 Joanna Lindenbaum
Some of that is is embedded inside of the the friend your fear process the working somatically with fears it’s embedded inside of the rewiring, unhelpful beliefs process.
00:46:25 Joanna Lindenbaum
But then some of that regulation.
00:46:29 Joanna Lindenbaum
Is not going to come from the inner work.
00:46:33 Joanna Lindenbaum
And this is the other piece that we want to be working on with our clients when it comes to rejection, we want to be supporting them to stretch themselves in ways that are right for them. Not too stretchy, that it’s like I’d rather die than do that, right, but to stretch and enough.
00:46:53 Joanna Lindenbaum
And take action and put themselves out there.
00:46:58 Joanna Lindenbaum
And then we want to be supporting them as they do that to learn how to stay regulated.
00:47:08 Joanna Lindenbaum
And even if they get rejected to bring themselves back to that regulation again.
00:47:20 Joanna Lindenbaum
OK, so hopefully that gives you a lot of ideas and directions to go in and places to think about if you want to go deeper with any of this. Again, I want to invite you to our Community workshop.
00:47:40 Joanna Lindenbaum
Happening in a few weeks, it’s called.
00:47:44 Joanna Lindenbaum
Old, unshaken and and we inside of that workshop we are going to go deep to unpack the fear of rejection.
00:48:00 Joanna Lindenbaum
Rejection sensitivity. We’re going to be doing.
00:48:04 Joanna Lindenbaum
Some somatic work with fears and beliefs. We’re going to be doing some regulation work.
00:48:10
Work.
00:48:11 Joanna Lindenbaum
We are going to be doing some strategic work in, in the realm of what I said earlier. The stretch yourself and take action and get regulated, and we’re also going to do some really beautiful, fun, layered.
00:48:30 Joanna Lindenbaum
Archetypal Jungian work through the lens of the ugly duckling Hans Christian Andersen’s tail.
00:48:41 Joanna Lindenbaum
So I’ll drop the links in the show notes.
00:48:45 Joanna Lindenbaum
As always, thank you so much for being here for listening. I hope this was helpful. If it was, please consider taking a minute of your time and giving this podcast 5 stars and a review. It really helps so much to help get the word.
00:49:07 Joanna Lindenbaum
Out there.
00:49:09 Joanna Lindenbaum
Please also share this episode with anyone in your life who might really benefit from taking a little bit of a closer look at this fear of rejection until next time. See you soon.
