There is one singular thing that is often more detrimental than unbefriended fear, than limiting beliefs, than unrealized shadows than un-navigated resistances than sucky situations.
And that thing is: the anxiety, shame, or self-criticism that comes with thinking that we are the ONLY ones who are experiencing the fear, the limiting thinking, the resistance, the mess up, the mess, the imperfection, or the sucky situation.
Even when we know better, we fall into thinking things like –
โIโm the only one who doesnโt feel good enough when I lead client sessionsโ
โEveryone else feels like they belong; itโs just me who doesnโtโ
โItโs not normal to be scared to raise my ratesโ
โIโm not comfortable in my own skin; something isnโt right with meโ
โItโs so abnormal to be 50 and still not know what my business is aboutโ
โMy kids are so chaotic; there must be something wrong with themโ
โMy underarms get so sweaty when I have to give a presentation; whatโs wrong with me?โ
When things donโt go our way, or when we have a fear, itโs almost like a knee jerk reaction: without even consciously thinking about it, we just feel that whatโs happening to us doesnโt happen to other peopleโฆor at least not โnormalโ people (or successful people or โhappyโ people).
And when we think what weโre thinking, feeling, having, or experiencing is abnormal, shame can set in.
And like I shared above, the shame can be more detrimental than the thing itself.
As a coach or transformational practitioner, itโs important that you use your deep listening skills to detect when a client has fallen into the thinking that what theyโre experiencing is wrongโฆand then to normalize it for them.
Normalizing falls under the skill set of Creating Awareness, and it is such a vital awareness to create with clients who need it.
Especially in our social media culture where everyone elseโs life looks so very perfect – perfect looks, perfect careers, perfect meals, perfect relationshipsโฆour clients benefit so so deeply from learning that their messiness, that their fears, that their triggers, that their hurts, that their not-so-savory parts are TOTALLY normal.
And when your clients can really see and feel that what they are experiencing is normal, they can loosen up a bit. They can be gentler with themselves. They can let go of some shame. They can maybe even appreciate what theyโre experiencing.
A week or two ago I heard Brene Brown share that normalizing is the opposite of pathologizing.
I have seen this to be true over and over and over again, and I routinely Normalize with my clients.
And when I do, the feeling of a big, deep sigh of relief is palpable. And my clients thank me for normalizing their situation with them. And also for showing them that Iโm not perfect and that you donโt need to be perfect to create what you want.
I share all sorts of things that support clients to stop pathologizing themselves and their situations, that support clients to soften to themselves and who they are. Things like:
โI still, after all these years, get nervous and super sweaty before I give a big presentation.โ
โI REALLY want people to like me, too.โ
โItโs so normal to be terrified to raise your rates.โ
โSometimes I too want to just quit everything and run away.โ
โMy not-good enough stuff still creeps in sometimes, even more than sometimes.โ
โYeah, my body is doing weird things too now that Iโm in my 40s.โ
โSo many entrepreneurs get anxious when it comes to sales calls.โ
โEveryone has a part of themselves that is jealous of others.โ
โI havenโt yet spoken to a single parent of a teenager who has told me their kidโs room isnโt a danger zone.โ
And so on. And so on.
The normalizing doesnโt mean that we donโt then work to change what my client wants to change. It just means that the work of change is being fueled by a place of self-love and compassion vs. a place of self-hatred and brutality.
I use the skill of normalizing not only in client sessions but in all of my marketing. Because I see my marketing not just as material to sell my offerings, but as a SERVICE to anyone who comes in contact with it. And if my marketing is truly going to be of service, it needs to poke holes in any Myths of Perfection and normalize the human experience.
If youโre not already using the skill of Normalizing in your client work and marketing, my invitation to you is to start to look for the places where you can. Be of service to those you connect with by not letting them fall into the trap of thinking theyโre alone in their experience or that thereโs something wrong with them for feeling the way that they do.
Donโt underestimate the impact that Normalizing can have.
It can be a healing gift that helps your clients love themselves and their lives more deeply.